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Our first experience of any relationship happens during our childhood, before we even know what a romantic relationship is, we understand what closeness is, how emotions are expressed, how conflict is handled, and whether the people we depend on are likely to be available when we need them. These early experiences don’t determine exactly who we become or whom we love, what they do contribute however is the expectations or behaviours we have from our partners later in life.
The tragedy of invisible burnout is that the person experiencing it may not look like someone who needs help. They may still be achieving, have a job, study, have good grades, attend social events and appear highly successful. But the amount of productivity fails to tell us how much energy was required to achieve it. A person can be functioning externally while falling apart internally. This is particularly important for people who have spent years masking or compensating for their neurodivergence. In some cases, a diagnosis may not come until adulthood, after years of being told that difficulties with concentration, organisation, sensory regulation or social interaction are simply personal shortcomings.
The chase isn’t always irrational. Sometimes, it’s just our brain following patterns it has already learned over many years. Why unavailable people feel more attractive you ask?