There is something strangely addictive about people who we can’t have.
They are the people who reply after hours but keep occupying our thoughts for days on end,
the ones who make us feel special enough to keep us hoping, but never enough to make us
secure, they make us visit old conversations, wondering if we said something wrong,
replaying memories that probably meant more to us then it ever did to them.
The most confusing part is we know what is happening.
We know they are emotionally unavailable, we know they are inconsistent, we know about
the fake promises, we know how anxious they make us feel instead of happy.
Yet walking away feels far more difficult than holding on.
WHY?
We often describe this as “wanting something you cannot have”, like how the Evil witch
wanted snow white’s beauty and never thought that she can be beautiful in her own way
without trying to want something that was never Her’s to begin with, more so it was only in
her head.
Psychology suggests, that there isn’t one single reason why we become attached to
emotionally unavailable people, instead our attachment can emerge from early attachment
experiences, learning processes, cognitive biases, our brains reward system, and the ways we
measure our own worth.
The chase isn’t always irrational.
Sometimes, it’s just our brain following patterns it has already learned over many years.
Why unavailable people feel more attractive you ask?
One of the biggest myths about being attracted to someone is our notion of thinking they are
the best match for us.
Sometimes, attraction isn’t a reflection of compatibility but uncertainty.
Imagine two people, one consistently checks on you, communicates openly, makes you feel
emotionally safe and seen, while the other disappears without explanation, returns with
affection and withdraws and disappears again.
Ironically many of us find ourselves thinking more about the second person.
Not because they are necessarily kinder.
Not because they are a better partner.
But because uncertainty captures our attention.
This can be explained through the Scarcity Principle given by Psychologist Rober Cialdini,
which suggests people assign greater value to things that appear limited or difficult to obtain
(Cialdini, 2009). When affection becomes scarce our mind can mistakenly interpret its rarity
as evidence for its value.
Scarcity is however only one part of the story.
Sometimes what feels exciting is what feels familiar.
Long before we experience our first romantic relationship, we begin learning what love feels
like, according to the psychiatrist John Bowlby’s Attachment theory, our earliest relationships
with caregivers help in shaping in what psychologists call our internal working models (
Mental templates that influence how we understand closeness, trust, rejection, and emotional
safety throughout our life (Bowlby, 1969).
Children whose caregivers were generally responsive develop secure attachment, learning
that relationships are safe and reliable, while the children who experience inconsistency,
adapt to uncertainty and that adaptation reflects in their adult relationships without them
realizing or knowing the cause.
In a study done by Hazan and Shaver (1987), they demonstrated that many adult relationships
follow this attachment pattern, children with anxious attachment style become more
preoccupied with relationships and feel drawn to emotionally distant partners.
This does not mean that our childhood permanently determines who we love.
It means our brain learns patterns.
And familiarity often feels far emotionally safer, even when it is not emotionally healthy.
Sometimes we are not chasing a person but a feeling our nervous system has learned to
recognize.
Whenever conversation about attraction becomes popular online, one word appears to be
common, almost on every social media application, “dopamine”. People often say they are
addicted to someone because of dopamine, but the truth is far from it, dopamine isn’t brains
pleasure chemical, rather it is more involved in motivation, reward prediction and
anticipation rather than pleasure itself (Schultz, Dayan and Montague, 1997).
Imagine receiving a good morning text daily, after a while it becomes expected, now imagine
hearing nothing for four days before suddenly receiving an affectionate message, the
unexpected reward often creates a stronger motivational response than something which is
consistently available.
This does not mean that inconsistent love is better, rather it means that unpredicted rewards
are better at capturing attention, our brain begins to expect the next moment of connection,
sometimes we confuse that anticipation with love.
One psychological principle that explains why emotionally unavailable relationships feel so
difficult to leave is because of intermittent reinforcement, a concept that is explained by
behavioral psychologist B.F. Skinner, behaviors rewarded unpredictably tend to become
remarkably persistent.
Although human relationships are far more complex than laboratory learnings, the underlying
principle offers a useful framework, an emotionally unavailable partner may alternate
between warmth and distance, those occasional moments of affection become emotionally
powerful precisely because they are unpredictable. Hope replaces Clarity.
That is why many people remain emotionally invested even when they recognize the
relationship is hurting them rather than benefitting them, they are no longer chasing a person,
but responding to a pattern.
Another reason why emotionally unavailable relationships can become so consuming is that
they often become tied to our sense of self-worth.
We begin thinking, “if they finally choose me, maybe I am enough”
Research shows that insecure attachment style is associated with lower psychological well-
being and greater relationship insecurity (Sagone and De Caroli, 2023)
The relationship becomes less about love and more about confirmation.
Confirmation that we are worth, we are lovable, that we are finally enough as we are.
The problem is no relationship can permanently provide us validation we never learned to
give ourselves.
We often describe emotionally intense relationships as having “chemistry”.
Butterflies
Obsessive thoughts
Constant longing
It certainly feels intense, but intensity and security are not the same thing.
Secure relationships often feel quieter, less guessing, less overthinking, less emotional chaos.
Sometimes what feels exciting is actually uncertainty and sometimes what feels boring is
actually peace.
And if our nervous system has spent years confusing unpredictability with intimacy,
emotional safety may initially feel unfamiliar, not because something is missing but because
nothing needs to be chased.
One of the most hopeful findings in attachment research is patterns are not fixed. They can
change.
Psychologists call this Earned Security, the process though which healthy relationships, self-
awareness, therapeutic experiences gradually reshape our idea of love.
Breaking the cycle does not begin with finding a different partner. It begins with noticing the
patterns we have been returning to, it begins with asking difficult questions, do I feel peaceful
in this relationship?
Am I attracted to this person Consistently or who I hope they can be? Do
I feel chosen or Do I feel I need to earn love?
Healthy love rarely feels like constant emotional test.
It feels safe enough that you no longer have to wonder where you stand.
